The Amnon Inside us.
An uncomfortable story more relevant than we care to admit
For the past several months, I have been participating in an online Bible study hosted by my friend David going through the books of 1st and 2nd Samuel, every Thursday at 12pm CST on his YouTube channel. Yesterday, I was unable to join in, so I wanted to share some writing I had done on the relevant chapter. The story of Amnon and Tamar is undoubtedly one of the most tragic in the entire Bible, and few characters are as easily condemned as the eldest son of King David. Yet the story came to mind when I was writing on one of the most important topics affecting young men today - pornography.
The internet has provided men with a level of exposure to sexual imagery previously unimaginable throughout history, which raises an important question - how can the Bible truly speak to such novel circumstances? Yet the Holy Spirit finds a way to guide us to the truth, even when its uncomfortable. In wrestling with the pervasive problem of pornography, the story of Amnon rose to the surface in a new light.
If there is anyone who faced the temptations common to the 21st century man, it was Amnon; and like all of us, he failed. The disconnection of the internet attenuates our direct confrontation with the consequences of our sins, and the effects are more widely distributed. Yet with each click, we all contribute to the suffering of women who were once as innocent as Tamar.
Living in a wicked world that seeks to justify its actions shields men from the danger of direct consequences, but it also provides us with the opportunity to repent. But true repentance requires an honest acknowledgement of our sins, and accepting the forgiveness offered by God means we must be willing to forgive.
Amnon’s tragic sins challenge us to wrestle with extent of our own forgiveness, but placing ourselves in his circumstance should cause us to marvel at the depths of God’s love for us.
I attempted to address some of the topics of regarding men and women in my book, Tents Before Temples, but it proved too big a subject to fit in an already massive work. The following is an excerpt from the draft that didn’t make it into the book.
THE DARK DISTORTION
The diverging paths from the initial forays into the world of pornography take many different forms, but traveling down one is always inevitable. Pornography is like a glamor; a spell, an illusion. Its consumption leaves nothing but a hunger and thirst for more, and what was consumed once no longer has the same appeal. The journey of exploration is like stepping into a fast-flowing river; from whatever point of entry, you will be taken somewhere further downstream.
Let’s assume as we have that the point of entry is somewhat innocent; the simple image of a naked woman. This awakens sexual desire, but also stirs up deep longing in the hearts of men. It’s a forbidden fruit, providing us with knowledge of both good and evil. The first steps are always the same, a progression of more. Images of naked breasts lead to images of bigger breasts, or images of women showing more, displaying their secrets more blatantly and brazenly. Pictures lead to videos. Striptease leads to touching, touching leads to sex, one partner leads to multiple partners, on and on.
Each step on the path will take us further down the twin roads of Eve and Adam. Eve’s path is deception, and this will cause us to chase the good, though we will not find it. Adam’s path is the embrace of choice. This takes us towards the evil, which we can easily attain, but every bite only increases our appetite, while forever denying satiation.
The effect of following either path is that at a certain point, the viewer experiences a form of cognitive dissonance. Down Eve’s path of deception, this dissonance may provide the opportunity to step out of the river, and we may be saved. But Adam’s path leads only to destruction. Choice is by nature agentic, and so Adam’s path follows the same pattern as the agentic path listed up above.
But while that path can lead to something like a “normal” sex life (as defined by the secular culture) for those with skills and assets to succeed in the dating world, it is increasingly more likely to result in cognitive dissonance. For the young man who inserts himself into the agentic role within his fantasy, the breakdown comes from pouring his real-life time, attention, energy, and money into a bottomless pit, instead of investing in a path towards self-improvement.
He no longer identifies with the agent on screen, as the discrepancies between himself and the man on screen become more and more apparent. This could lead to him finding himself attracted and aroused by the power and masculinity of the male actors. This is a documented phenomenon, where sometimes men who do not consider themselves to be homosexual begin consuming and enjoying gay porn. But once on this path, the greater attainability of gay sex gradually makes it more and more appealing.
Another outcome of this dissonance is an abandonment of agency in surrender to the forces of the arena. Finding themselves unable to embody the role of the man, the continual consumption of pornography can lead to longing to embody the role of the woman, the desire to be desired, to be seen, to become beautiful, and feminine. Porn consumption is ubiquitous among men who decide to transition to women, though its contribution is rarely studied by the powers invested in profiting off both pornography and transgenderism.
Or it could lead to greater resentment of the females, as he recognizes that such beautiful and sexual women would never express the desire and longing for him that they show towards the powerful man on screen.
This leads them into the sin of Amnon, who out of a great desire, raped his sister. “Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her.”- (2 Samuel 13:15) This form of escalation lead from pornography to things like prostitution, and eventually sexual assault, but usually only after developing a taste for watching women being hurt and abused on screen.
But here is the other danger; someone can walk down the path of deception and the path of choice simultaneously. Amnon’s desire for Tamar did not stem from the libido, but from the place of love:
Now Absalom, David's son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David's son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. - 2 Samuel 13:1-2
The tragedy of Amnon and Tamar highlights the fact that we can be deceived by the real, genuine, goodness of beauty, and that small, foolish, correctable choices, easily regarded as mistakes– can lead us to embrace purely evil actions. Amnon knew that sex and even marriage to his half-sister Tamar was forbidden, and it was forbidden for good reasons. Yet he failed to consider why there were laws forbidding such a union.
Brothers and sisters expose the lie behind the modern myth of “the male sex drive” as it is commonly understood. [note: in a previous section of this draft, I talk about the influence of Freudian psychology and his concept of the libido on the commonly accepted views of male sexuality. The Bible assumes a far greater level of self-control on the part of men than proponents of evolutionary psychology in the red-pill Manosphere. I characterize this illusionary construct as “the male sex drive”] By the standard reasoning, no parent should ever leave their pubescent sons alone with their sisters at any time– because “the male sex drive” is insatiable, and men, especially young men, lack the self control to resist any opportunity to copulate, even if the opportunity requires the use of force.
And surprisingly, some real biological factors actually back up the myth of “the male sex drive”– within this scenario, as there have been many instances of siblings, separated at birth or early childhood through adoption, meeting and marrying as adults in the wild, because they feel an unusual sense of closeness and connectivity.
Sadly, the wisdom in forbidding these incestuous unions is usually only discovered through the deformities of the children born, resulting in the testing and discovery of the truth that leads to their dissolution. Yet despite these factors, incest between siblings is exceedingly rare, especially in households absent of other types of abuse. Why? Because children are taught that it is inappropriate to have such a relationship with their siblings. This knowledge leads to the creation of certain boundaries, as was outlined by Moses:
“If a man takes his sister, a daughter of his father or a daughter of his mother, and sees her nakedness, and she sees his nakedness, it is a disgrace, and they shall be cut off in the sight of the children of their people. He has uncovered his sister's nakedness, and he shall bear his iniquity. - Leviticus 20:17
Just as with Eve and the fruit, the act begins with seeing. Thus to avoid seeing the nakedness of your sibling, brothers and sisters would have private spaces. Without appealing to the law, this remains a widespread custom. At a certain age, usually long before puberty, brothers and sisters begin to sleep and dress and bathe in separation. The effect of this boundary is that girls don’t have to worry about the sex drive of their brothers, nor are they tempted to flirt with them. They have been taught that incest is taboo, and this knowledge protects them.
The innocence behind Amnon’s initial foolishness makes the conclusion of his story all the more tragic. He did not see Tamar’s nakedness, but her beauty. Yet he failed to guard his heart and imagination by allowing himself to focus on her beauty, instead of reminding himself that she was forbidden to him. The feelings he developed for Tamar were genuine feelings of love; the same Hebrew word used to describe the love of Isaac for Rebecca, and of Jacob for Rachel.
By continually dwelling on this feeling of love, and allowing himself to remain in the presence of beautiful Tamar, Amnon became ill. Amnon’s distress should cause us to ponder the relationship with Adam and the tree. As soon as God brings attention to the presence of a forbidden fruit, He declares that it is not good for the man to be alone. Many have observed that the extra precaution Eve shares with the serpent, that the tree must not be touched, must have been an addition by Adam. Perhaps one reason it was not good for Adam to be alone was that the desire to take the fruit increased the more he examined it. In pushing the boundaries of obedience as far as he could, perhaps he experienced the negative effects of illness by touching the tree.
Amnon is alone, and there is no one to pull his focus away from the forbidden fruit, and the friends he has, are no friends at all.
But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man. - 2 Samuel 13:3
Unfortunately, by sharing his desires with a confidant, he was led further down the path of destruction. Jonadab is described as very crafty, or subtle, and he takes note of Amnon’s distress to uncover his desire. Jonadab is quite serpentine in his role, yet he does not merely tempt Amnon to sin, but teaches him that only through deception can he achieve his desire. He corrupts Amnon, and turns him into a serpent– something that never would have occurred if not for Amnon’s foolishness. By accepting the advice and the conclusions of Jonadab, Amnon supplanted his genuine, if misguided, affection for Tamar with something far worse.
…he took hold of her and said to her, “Come, lie with me, my sister.” She answered him, “No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you.” But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. - 2 Samuel 13:11-14
Best of all would have been to simply walk away – to find another woman, and to be happy for the man who married his sister. But there was one other path of escape for Amnon that he could have pursued, even after his heinous crime. The punishment for a brother and sister engaging in sexual relations was not death, but exile – to be cut off from the people of Israel and bear his iniquity.
Tamar knows the law better than Amnon; though it would mean being cut off, she is willing to go with Amnon if he will only ask the king for her hand. Yet Amnon is deaf to this offer of reciprocity, the genuine love of a sister for a brother, willing to compromise the highest ideal rather than have her brother become a rapist.
Somewhere along the way, Amnon’s desire for something good, that was forbidden to him, twisted into a desire to take what was forbidden, because it was forbidden. This is the path that leads to worse and worse deviance and perversion, and Amnon has reached the limit.
It does not take long for explorers in the realm of pornographic fantasies to discover themes of both rape and incest; and when people are disillusioned by the fiction, they seek out the reality, first to consume, and eventually create. The result of Amnon’s sins, the long trail of sins that resulted in the violation of the sister who loved him as a sister should, concludes with “the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her.”
This hatred is entirely manufactured by Amnon himself, a product of his mind, and the true object of his hatred is not Tamar, but himself. Yet because the path that led him here was so filled with compromise, Amnon is far too weak to accept reality.
And Amnon said to her, “Get up! Go!” But she said to him, “No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me.” But he would not listen to her. - 2 Samuel 13:15b-16
Even after this evil act, Tamar is willing to accept the judgment of the law. Amnon has uncovered the nakedness of his sister by force, yet she is willing to depart with him as his wife. She is offering Amnon the chance to make good on the oath betrayed by Simeon and Levi. But unlike Shechem, who loved Dinah after he had raped her, (the same word for love that Amnon first had for his sister), Amnon hated Tamar, his affection for her had been consumed by his desire to do evil.
This is a sobering reminder that no matter how pure the motive, how much genuine beauty we may see in the forms or faces of women online, or how much we desire the good for the person on the other side of the screen, the images are always deceiving us. Amnon should have just walked away. The problem with deception is that it can take far longer to hit rock bottom, as we dare not abandon our hopes in truth and goodness of beauty.
Of the many paths available to travel down, the paths of deception are far harder to escape, even than the path of choice, because we don’t know when we have left one path to join the other. In the case of Amnon, it’s difficult to assess exactly when the warping of his thoughts began, but we can determine a few things about his thinking and understanding by noting the differences between what Jonadab suggests, and what Amnon does.
And he said to him, “O son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me?” Amnon said to him, “I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister.” Jonadab said to him, “Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’” - 2 Samuel 13:4-5
The language Amnon uses is all of love, yet there is no concern about reciprocity, only about access and opportunity. The scheme Jonadab suggests is simply created to allow private access between Amnon and Tamar. It is remarkably similar to the setup of most pornographic films, or their parodies. Simply getting the right people in the right place results in a smooth transition to romance. And when Amnon has his opportunity, he seems to expect Tamar’s willing participation.
In other words, he seems to have already adopted the pornographic understanding of how sex works. What could lead to such an understanding? Certainly there was no internet pornography, but Amnon had grown up in a household and culture that catered to the desires of powerful men, and he was the son of a king. This story occurs after David’s seizure of Bathsheba, and the birth of Solomon, their second child. Amnon has been living with the idea that kings, which he assumed he would become as the eldest son, could have anything or anyone they desired.
While we are told that Amnon loved Tamar, and there is no reason to doubt that is what he felt, what did that really mean in his own understanding? What was the nature and extent of his prior experience? He may have frequented prostitutes, or approached female servants who had no basis for refusal. How many fathers had willingly allowed their daughters to be alone with the heir apparent, in the hopes of entrapment?
Amnon’s mother was Ahinoam, a woman first mentioned after the story of the David’s wedding to the very admirable Abigail, who should have been the worthy partner of a king, it tells us “David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel, and so both of them were his wives.” This verse is often used to point to David’s questionable character as a cad.
But is there a reason why? It’s only a small speculative leap to suggest that perhaps Ahinoam secured her position through sexual entrapment. After all, David did “do right” by Bathsheba in the end, and as a son of a second wife, he must have had pity for a woman in that situation. Amnon thus grew up as the eldest son, and presumptive heir to David’s throne. His father certainly didn’t teach him how to be a gentleman, and neither did his mother.
When the open secret of Hollywood film producer Harvey Weinstein’s habit of sexual assault was publicly disclosed, we learned that he was full of hate and resentment for the women he abused. Harvey knew that he was an ugly man, lacking charisma. But what he had was wealth, power, and influence – and most women were able to pretend he was an attractive charmer if it meant that he would greenlight their path to stardom.
When they weren’t willing to pretend, Weinstein learned that his peers and ‘friends’ were perfectly willing to look the other way if he raped the women who tried to protect their dignity. Like Jonadab, the other Hollywood movers and shakers were crafty in their dealings with Weinstein. Why would the friend of a prince work to design a scheme to get him what he wants, if not in hopes of a quid pro quo? There was not a single genuine person in Weinstein’s life, and the same was true of Amnon.
It’s quite likely that the love Amnon felt for Tamar came as a result of her simply treating him as a sister should. Living under the assumption that Amnon understood the normal rules of propriety between siblings, she may have been the only woman who spoke with honesty, free from ulterior motives. She may have understood those doubts as well. She had the same access to the King and his resources, and nothing to gain from dishonesty or manipulation, but likely just as many female friends angling for an introduction to the sons of the King.
With his mind formed according to privileges afforded his position, Amnon mistook kindness for flirtation, affection for desire, respect for admiration, and saw beauty as something to be conquered and consumed. His choices deprived him of a lifelong relationship with Tamar, as a sister, a friend, and even as a wife. He reduced her to the same level as any other woman he had taken advantage of, but she was robbed of all her dignity by a brother she had loved and respected well. Her full brother Absalom, was robbed of the same relationship that he did understand and appreciate, as Amnon’s actions reduced Tamar to a shell of her former self.
His tragic tale is another full of cautionary lessons; robbed of the true and trustworthy friendship he had with Tamar, Absalom embraces all of Amnon’s own tricks, with far more effectiveness– something to be examined in greater detail at another time.
You can watch the discussion on this chapter in the video below: